Bob shouted, and pointed out an area to our right. He said that a mountain lion had been found half eaten there.
What on earth could kick the crap out a lion? Whatever it was, I didn’t fancy being formally introduced. Just as importantly, why didn’t it finish its meal off? Had it gone looking for condiments?
From the trail, I couldn’t see the remains, but I really wanted to know what it looked like. I was intrigued to know which end of a lion tasted the best.
If the head or brains had gone, the culprit might have been John Wayne’s zombie. I wouldn’t discount ballsack from being an accessory either.
If there was a big hole in its chest, we should probably give Sigourney another call. I hoped Bob had her on speed dial… I’ve seen the film ‘Alien’, so I checked around but I couldn’t see any great big eggs laid by a twenty-foot-tall chicken with a bad cold.
The lion was hidden out of sight somewhere in the undergrowth, but I could see some vultures circling high above us. I pointed the vultures out to Ross and said that they must be over the lion. He said “Nah, they’ve been following us since you sat on Luke”.
Why wasn’t I allowed to have a rifle like Bob? What if something charged at us from the undergrowth? I’m not daft – I wouldn’t try to shoot it – that would be way too hard. I would just wing one of the others so they couldn’t get away as quickly as me.
coming up the rear
After the lion incident, I realised my mistake…
I had been at the rear of the convoy, and as everyone knows, that’s the one that gets picked off first in horror films. I had unwittingly become the red shirted expendable extra, from the Star Trek landing party.
After I pointed out to Angela that I was at risk… She just asked me where the credit cards where, then went back to daydreaming about Hank.
If the worst had happened, I would have taught her a lesson by making sure my wallet was the first thing down the throat of whatever was eating me.
Bob shouted again and pointed down. He said something about the rocks near his horse. Apparently they were rattlesnake rocks. Filling my pockets with anti-snake ammunition sounded like a good idea. I bet that lion wished it had known about rattlesnake rocks too.
What Bob actually meant, was the bigger rocks were used by snakes to warm up in the sun. I asked Bob why they don’t just use microwaves, he just gave me a funny look, sighed, and glanced at his rifle. Bob repeated that this was an important fact, because horses tended to spook when they see a snake.
I reckoned Luke would just bite its head off and spit down the hole.
Even so, I gave the Slytherin sun loungers a wide berth.
hair loss treatment
Another trick my horse had, was to wander under low branches trying to knock off my cap – but with my head still in it. I didn’t realise immediately that this was a deliberate ploy, until I saw a previous victim’s scalp stuck to a twig up in the tree.
I wasn’t worried about losing my hair, I did enough of that in my twenties… but I didn’t want a centre parting deep enough to encourage any passing zombies to bring a knife and fork.
I pulled on the reigns, steered us away from the trees, and had a quiet word in my horse’s ear – “Nice try Whiskas”…
Observation number 4: Don’t let Beelzebub’s spawn steer when you’re going under trees.
The mountain trail was surrounded by bushes, cactus, and long grasses. The foliage was thick in some parts, and could easily hide a critter big enough to make me need a change of pants if it popped out and said boo…
Then, both myself and Darth Mauls apprentice, heard something moving in the bushes nearby.
First thought – ‘It might be the thing that ate the lion’…
Second thought – ‘Make sure Ross is nearer to it than I am’… He’s younger than me, and would probably heal faster.
I kicked Luke to make him go faster… but as soon as I had, I realised it was a mistake. It was too late, so I squeezed my thighs, gripped the flappy leather things, and closed my eyes.
When cats want to kill something, they crouch down, wriggle their arses, and then launch – that’s exactly what Luke did, except cats aren’t fitted with a warp drive.
Why hadn’t the Boss warned us about horse throttles? There should have been a tick box on the consent form that said:
“☑ Yes, I understand horses have two speed settings, slow, and feckin ballistic “
Sitting astride a metric ton of meat earthquake isn’t comfortable, especially when the only suspension was being provided by my bollocks, and shouting “whoa boy” doesn’t work when the sound comes out an octave above what bats can hear.
Imagine filling a sack with jelly, and then walking down the street kicking it. Internal organs that had never been formally introduced began fighting for pole position – the winner would be the first out of my arsole.
There is definitely a gap in the pants market that NASA and Spanx could fill by keeping my body parts in sync.
am I dead yet?
The next few seconds blurred into a terrifying slideshow that gives literal meaning to the expression ‘Death by PowerPoint‘. With each mental slide accompanied by a thrash metal mix of hooves, and the soundtrack from a BDSM orgy….
I still have PTSD flashbacks…
- Does my travel insurance cover demonic transport?
- Wow – my knuckles are white
- Will Ross shout “ROTATE” when I reach takeoff speed?
- I bet the lion was a hit and run victim
- Pruning branches with my teeth hurts
- Would Bob laugh at my trouser damp patch?
- Could Amazon Prime deliver a bolt gun in the next 30 seconds?
- I must underline the words “Yellow and black handle” in my saddle snag list
- Will Angela marry Hank?
In just twenty feet, I went from 5mph, to Mach 1, and back again.
According to Ross, I demonstrated a textbook example of the Doppler Effect when I passed him screaming like a little girl.
I hoped Bob would shoot the creature in the bushes, but the only bang I heard was when we broke the sound barrier.
I still have no idea what it was in the bushes. My imagination had conjured up something designed by H.R.Giger, but Bob said it was probably just a bunny.
It was easy for him to be cocky, he had a rifle. All I had was a crappy penknife and a cocky teenage decoy.
There was a lot of watery eyes too – mine because Luke had successfully completed my emasculation journey that Angela had started, and everybody else because they were pissing themselves laughing.
After all the excitement, the ride turned more leisurely, and we made our way slowly up the mountain.
We stopped off at an amazing vista point that looked out across the Pacific Ocean. Bob announced “On a clear day, you can see China“. I reckon this was an IQ test, and 25% of our party flunked it by saying “really?“
I won’t say who it was, as I might run out of clean underwear again.